Mothers and Sons -- When it's time to say goodbye.

I've a friend whose mother-in-law passed away today. Now, most people wouldn't think so much about this. These things happen, especially when your parents have an illness, and the best you can hope for is to be there for your spouse. But in my friend's experience, his husband's mother became a second mother after his mother passed away some time before.

Losing your mother is incredibly traumatic and takes your breath away. It's a singular tragedy that you *know* is coming, even expected...but you are never prepared for it to come; the day when you become an orphan. It feels like you are completely and utterly alone. As Bob mourns the passing of his mom, it will be the responsibility of Dan to help support and guide him through this dark, sad time. There will be oceans of tears and heartache in the next few days and weeks now. And that is all there is to it. There is no place to hide and nowhere to run from it. It's a sad fact of life that we are meant to bury our parents, and we can only hope we can do this with a clear conscience and sound hope that every thing we meant to say was said before the end.

It sounds like I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it? It's because I've experienced exactly the same thing in my own life. My ex's mother passed away not even a year before I ended our relationship. I was extremely close to Frances, and she to me. We had a very good relationship, even when my ex and I did not. She was also there for me when my mother died...in fact, Frances was the only one there when I walked into my mother's hospital room to find that she was no longer showing brain function. I left the room too stunned to cry, too crushed to think. I sat alone in the waiting room of Regional Medical Center in Madisonville, Ky. completely lost in my own thoughts; that is, until the phone rang in the waiting room sitting next to me. Mind you, I hadn't called anyone or even had a chance to think...I was in a state of shock.

I picked up the phone and Frances was on the other line. She recognized my voice immediately. She asked me how mom was, and she was the first person I had told she had died. My voice started shaking and I was about to lose it when she said the following:

"Noah, I know this is hard for you, knowing that you two had a strained relationship. But your mother knew you loved her. She's known you all your life, and there's nothing between you that was left unsaid. She's gone on to her reward now, and she knows that God will look after her children as she joins Him in Heaven. It's ok, son. It's going to be ok."

We talked for a few minutes more as I waited for my brother and sister to arrive. I barely remember any of that next week; it was all so surreal. But I will never forget Frances and how loving she was. I will never forget our conversation on that waiting room phone, surrounded by strangers, but filled with love by my second mom as my first mother breathed her last on this Earth.

So for Dan and Bob, I would love to tell you that the pain goes away, It does not. It simply doesn't. But it does change over time into a sense of reverence, a realization that we have a precious gift given us, mother to son. Dan, as you had a second mom, I know you know what I'm talking about. Hold onto Bob and know that it's going to be ok, just as Frances said it would be. In time, I realized she was right. I know you will, too.

Much love to all.

Noah